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[ DEAD FEET DÉCOLLETAGE OR THE TYRANNY OF HUMAN
HAIR ] by
Emma Cutting and
trimming and pruning and shaping and smoothing. Every day
cells dying. Bronzing, shining,
shimmering,perfecting. Skin flaking
and leaving. Tweaking,
tweezing, contorting your face in purposeful pain. Making
yourself look so undead- the best you can be. Now it's time
to get out there and find a partner for your celebration of life and living
and never reconcile with your impending stop. Death. Never stop the
everyday surveillance of yourself and isn't that a stray short black hair
pushing itself defiantly out from under your smoothed and powdered brow? Get
it now. Now! But it's not
enough. Only $9.95 and you can have it dealt with professionally. The wax is hot
and it stings like sunburn but it feels better than that- the quick release
and relief. Achieving the
perfect and normal state of average. There's divinity in going unnoticed. * When you're dead
your pubic hair will rise up and strangle your body as it rots. Your
fingernails will grow and curl and harden better than with a lifetime of
carefully repeated nail strengthening steps. Your hair will
grow mousy and long-the perfect nest for underground vermin to fornicate in. Skin so
carefully scrubbed, exfoliated, cleansed, toned and bronzed will become
sallow and brittle as an old road map. Years of
surreptitious pelvic floor exercises will mean nothing as beetles and worms
munch their way into the dead cavity. And all your
careful regulation and release of waste will seem ridiculous when your body
turns to noxious sludge. It's the
ultimate revenge on years of systematic and intense torture. * But wait! Dead
is the new alive! Get the latest
look unfresh from the runway to wow them at work, step out at
night and spark up your love life. Forget heroin
chic, forget anorexia- the word from the top fashionistas
in Europe is DEAD FEET DECOLLETAGE. The style is
easy to emulate. Just follow our five-step guide and you'll
soon be having your fifteen minutes six feet under. Step
One: Grow as a person How
to do it: No
more pesky shaving, waxing, plucking, tweezing or cutting-
let the hair grow free, and your nails too. Why
he’ll love you more: What
guy didn’t love Chewbacca as a kid? Step
Two: Embrace your darkside How
to do it: They
only come out at night -vampires that is. You however
are never coming out again. Why
he’ll love you more: Guys
are intrigued by girls with mystery-what could be more mysterious
than residing in a box underground? Step
Three: Dead girls don't tell tales How
to do it: It's
easy to stop that nasty gossip when a rat is chewing on
your face. Why
he’ll love you more: He'll
respect you for your lack of nattering. Step
Four: Be cool How
to do it: Once
your heart stops and your blood runs cold you'll be cool
for eternity! Why
he’ll love you more: Cold
hearts can't be broken- leaving him free to cheat, pass
you over for the guys and talk about your fat arse as
much as he likes! Step
Five: Dead feet décolletage How
to do it: Match
the tone of your dead feet with your décolletage and
face for that all-over translucent look. Why
he’ll love you more: Your
pale skin and hollow eye sockets remind him of his favourite
female celebrity. |
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